


'Til Death do us Part (and not even then)

by MercurySkies



Series: A Ghoul's Guide to Life, Death & Afterliving [6]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Engagement, Established Relationship, Fluff, Insecurity, Introspection, M/M, Marriage, Mental Health Issues, Relationship Discussions, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 11:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15907749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercurySkies/pseuds/MercurySkies
Summary: Shane hadn’t really thought about it before dying, even at 30, the age the world tells you you’re either supposed to have done it already or be seriously considering it. No, Shane had never thought about marriage before the opportunity to tie the knot was taken from him.





	'Til Death do us Part (and not even then)

**Author's Note:**

> For [@not-my-rutabagas](https://not-my-rutabagas.tumblr.com/) on tumblr who kindly requested an engagement fic for the series. Although it may not be quite what they were looking for I hope it's fitting for these here lads.
> 
>  **Trigger warnings:** Discussion of mental health issues (specifically depression), mentions of suicide ideation.

Shane hadn’t really thought about it before dying, even at 30, the age the world tells you you’re either supposed to have done it already or be seriously considering it. No, Shane had never thought about marriage before the opportunity to tie the knot was taken from him.

In Shane’s eyes it was just a contract with some symbolism sprinkled on top. He’d considered the practicalities but he’d never thought about the idyllic, run of the mill life you’re supposed to lead until he almost destroyed the not too unusual but certainly not milestone filled life he’d already been living. Shane had never thought about marriage. Not until death. Not until Ryan.

And he thinks about it  _a lot_. Almost every time he looks at Ryan he sees a townhouse, sometimes even just a bigger, better apartment than the one they’re currently living in. He sees a dog, running ahead of them in the park their hands clasped together, matching bands glinting in the afternoon sun. He realises that these daydreams, they aren’t necessarily about marriage per se, that’s the formality, it’s about security, having a future, a future with Ryan full of anything they could ever want.

He’s sitting in Allie’s apartment one day, watching Ryan as he watches the rare drizzle of rain fall beyond the window. There’s a small, content smile tugging at the corner of his mouth and when Ryan glances away and meets Shane’s gaze the smile widens, so warm and full of love that Shane can’t help but think:

_‘God, I want this man’s babies’_

It startles him. Kids? That’s another thing he hasn’t really thought about. He knows Ryan wants kids, he wants a family, the whole nine yards. But with him? Shane somehow can’t reconcile himself with the titles ‘husband’ and ‘dad’. Those roles feel laced with an air of responsibility, of strength. Shane sometimes can’t make it out of bed, needs to remind himself to eat, to shower. Does he want to shackle Ryan to that? Does he want to burden a kid with potentially the same issues he faces? How good of a dad, of a husband, can someone with depression be? He knows maybe he’s over thinking this, that stereotypes and stigma and his own negative thinking is clouding his judgement but it’s a worry he can’t seem to shake.

Ryan frowns at him in concern from across the room, sensing his mind is elsewhere, but Shane just smiles. It’s a worry for another time.

 

* * *

 

He buys a ring because ‘if you like it then you should put a ring on it’ is sound advice and he’s carefully considering it. He takes a trip back to Illinois to visit, without Ryan for once, and picks it out with his brother. It’s a simple gold band, something that’ll catch the light and look beautiful against Ryan’s skin. Every time he looks at it he makes his mind up a little more, one more pro added to the list that’s incredibly short on cons.

The more he talks about it, with his brother and his parents and even Jake, the more he starts to realise a few things. It isn’t until he’s sitting across from his therapist back home in L.A. that he realises just what had been holding him back.

_He never thought he’d get this far._

Suicide ideation has plagued him for so long that he’d never really thought about the long term, about the longevity of his relationships, how integral he is to the lives of others. If there’s one thing dying has granted him, along with a little help from his therapist, it’s clarity. He can see his impact, he has friends and a boyfriend, a loving family, a home and career he’s cultivated. He’s made great strides in managing his depression, in improving himself and becoming more communicative, more open to possibility. Now that marriage and kids is possible, is it what he wants?

He thinks about taking a kid to Thanksgiving in Illinois, to family reunions at the Bergara’s. He thinks about soccer games or dance shows, reading bedtime stories and helping with homework. He wants that. He wants it all, with Ryan.

He drives home after the session deep in thought, mind caught between the conversation he wants to have with Ryan and the small black box nestled in the bottom draw of his nightstand. He shuffles through the front door feeling nervous, even as that familiar warmth spreads through his chest as Ryan looks up at him from the couch, glasses on and a smile meant just for him.

“Hey,” he says, closing his laptop and shifting over so that Shane can collapse onto the cushions next to him, “how’d it go?”

“Good.” Shane swallows, throat clicking with the effort to quell the lump forming there. “Fine. Lots to think about.” Ryan nods, staying quiet and letting Shane process, letting him decide what he wants to share.

“Do you-” He starts, fighting against the urge to change the subject. “Do you ever feel obligated to stay with me?” He asks, twisting his hands in front of him, he glances at Ryan from the corner of his eyes but sees nothing but shock and concern in his expression. “Because of how we met, because I have depression.” He tries to clarify and before he’s even finished Ryan is shaking his head vehemently.

“No.” He says simply. He opens and closes his mouth to speak but he can’t seem to find the right words. He gets that familiar look of frustration, a look that tells him he’s desperately trying to convey something important to him.

“I just want you to be here because you choose to, not because you’re concerned about what would happen if- if you left. I don’t wanna be a burden because I’m- I’m the way that I am.” He huffs out a breath, relief washing over him at having given voice to an insecurity that’s been plaguing him for a while now.

Ryan is quiet for a long time, but he moves closer, rests his head on Shane’s shoulder and holds him close. “I chose _you_. I made a decision a long time ago that I wanted to be with you, however I could be and so far that hasn’t changed. We’re in this together, I support you and you support me. It goes both ways and it always has.” He drops a kiss to Shane’s collarbone and Shane can feel himself sink back into the couch, muscles relaxing, the anxiety seeping away at the notion that he isn’t simply a leech sustaining himself on Ryan’s love. It goes both ways.

Ryan huffs out a breath against his neck, laughing lightly. “Fuck Shane, I fell for you when you were a freakin’  _ghost_ , “ he adds “I can’t predict the future, but right now? For me? It’s ‘til death do us part buddy, and even then it looks like we’ll be alright.”

“Funny you should say that…” Shane says grinning, his voice thick with unshed tears. He kisses Ryan’s forehead, holds him a little tighter. “How d’you feel about tying the knot sometime?” He hears Ryan inhale sharply.

“Is this you proposing big guy?” Ryan says breathless and elated, pulling back to look at him with the most radiant smile Shane has ever seen. Shane hums, unable to keep himself from smiling just as wide.

“Not quite,” he says, “but is that something you’d want? With me?” Ryan kisses him, soft and sweet, both palms cradling his jaw as if he’s something precious. “With you big guy? Anything.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are always appreciated but of course don't feel obligated. Hit me up on [tumblr](https://mercury-skies.tumblr.com/) if you fancy it, I'm down to try my hand at a few prompts here and there!


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